No Amount of Wine, Pilates, or Dinner with Friends Is Going to Help You Feel Less Burnt Out… Unless You Also Address This
Last year I was given a gift for Mothers Day by my partner and kids – a 90 min massage complete with hot rocks, aromatherapy and a foot massage. Sounds like heaven – I was delighted. This year I found it completely unused. A sharp pang of guilt hit me – “I can’t believe I didn’t use this gift, I hope they don’t ask me about it, I hope they don’t think I didn’t like it – their feelings would be hurt”.
At first I laughed at myself – of course I am more worried about hurting their feelings rather than being annoyed I have missed out on this lovely experience.
And then I thought, why didn’t I use it?
Which led to a deeper reflection and some uncomfortable insights. As follows:
- I tend to put my own emotional and physical needs last – you know how it is – lots of roles – mother of three, partner, therapist and coach, entrepreneur, dog owner, cat owner….etc. After years of doing this I am very drained and exhausted. It’s not that I feel these feelings while I am doing all the doing – I love my kids, partner and business – but certainly once I stop the doing I certainly don’t want anything else to do.
- I run around with a to-do list in my head – there is always something – putting another thing on it, even if it is for me feels burdensome and irritating. I did look at that voucher a few times over the past year – but whenever I did I would then feel annoyed at having to squeeze in the phone call to make the booking in the first place, then the mental gymnastics and time-tetris involved in booking it in – too stressful! Then I woud put it off.
- Lastly, a part of me knows that I would be lying on that massage table for that 90 minutes imagining all the other things I could be doing and feeling like I wanted the massage to be over with so I could go and get them done……. As i write this I know that this really isn’t good.
I definitely have a Burnout Mindset….
Can you relate? 🙋🏼♀️
Your self-care has become another project you have to manage and then even if you do the things, your mindset can detract/nullify the very thing you are trying to achieve – a calm nervous system and feelings of wellbeing.
Why wasn’t this working?
The Missing Piece: Your Relationship with Yourself
Here’s the uncomfortable truth that I had to face: It doesn’t matter how many bubble baths you take, how many Pilates classes you attend, or how often you meet friends for dinner—if your relationship with yourself is rooted in stress, shame, and unrelenting expectations, self-care will never truly work.
Because, let’s face it, when you’re sitting on that massage table thinking about all the ways you’re falling short in that moment by not being productive, or when you’re on a walk with friends feeling guilty about leaving the kids at home, is that really self-care?
Not really….So what is getting in the way?
Let me introduct you to your schemas.
What Are Schemas, and How Do They Impact You?
Schemas are the deep-rooted, often unconscious beliefs we absorb from childhood. They come from our parents, our teachers, our friends, and the larger culture around us. These beliefs influence the way we see ourselves and the world—often without us realizing it.
Our schemas give us our Burnout Mindset.
If we have beliefs that our needs aren’t important, if we were raised to focus on keeping other people happy, if there was a focus on achievement and getting things done or we were parentrified – given too much responsibility too young for younger siblings or struggling parents then it can be so hard to put ourselves in the picture.
The reality is, if you don’t address these underlying schemas, no amount of self-care will help you find calm. Your schemas will continue to quietly dictate your thoughts, emotions (what feels true and right) and actions, keeping you stuck in a cycle of resistance to taking care of yourself, pushing yourself to focus on productivity and achievement, stress and burnout. In burnout you are in real trouble – your ability to function can take a nosedive and then your mental health can suffer.
The Schemas That Create Your Burnout Mindset
Let me paint a clearer picture for you. Here are some of the most common schemas that might be running the show in your life—without you even knowing it:
- Defectiveness/Shame: This schema tells you there is something inherently wrong with you, that you’re unlovable or unworthy of respect. No matter how hard you try to do things “right,” this belief sits in the back of your mind, keeping you stuck in shame and worthlessness..
- Emotional Deprivation: You might feel like your need for love, affection, and emotional support will never truly be met. Even when surrounded by friends or loved ones, there’s a lingering feeling of emptiness, as if something is always missing. If you don’t expect your needs will be met you won’t ask for help or support, you don’t expect others to notice your needs and you can feel very lonely.
- Subjugation: This schema drives the feeling that you have to suppress your own needs and desires in order to avoid conflict or rejection. So, you push your needs down and let others take the lead—until resentment starts bubbling beneath the surface.
- Self-Sacrifice: This schema convinces you that putting your own needs first is selfish. You prioritize others to the point of neglecting yourself. Sure, you may justify it to yourself by saying you are a good person, but it leaves you feeling drained and unsatisfied in the long run.
- Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness: This is the big one for me. You set impossibly high standards for yourself, fearing failure or criticism if you don’t meet them. And even when you accomplish something great, you never feel like it’s enough.
Healing Your Schemas is the key to fully benefitting from your Self-Care ✨
If you really want to feel truly calm and at ease, more self-care activities isn’t going to cut it. You really need to actually care for yourself at an emotional level – to realize you deserve to take up space and allow yourself to have time to feel good despite external demands and responsibilities. This means a fundamental shift in three things:
- Who you think you are.
- Who you think you need to be to people
- What you expect from others.
When all of these are in healthy alignment you self-care will really feel like self-care. And the best way to get that alignment?
Knowing and healing your schemas. There is no better framework to understand your unhelpful patterns of thinking, feeling and responding and start changing them.
As for me I am still a work in progress. I still have resistance to booking things in (due to the aversion of time tetris) but I am much more likely to let myself get lost in a good book at home and take the dogs for a walk rather than focus on ticking something off my list.
Can You Recognize These Schemas in Your Own Life?
So, I encourage you to take a moment and reflect: Do any of these schemas resonate with you? Are they keeping you stuck in burnout mode, despite all your self-care efforts? If so, you’re not alone. The first step is becoming aware of them. The next step? Starting the work to heal them.
Because when you do, your entire world shifts. You can finally start experiencing the calm and peace you experience peace—not just in the fleeting moments of a massage or a wine night, but in the depths of your everyday life.
I’d love to hear from you—let me know in the comments if these schemas sound familiar to you. And if you want to explore this topic further, be sure to press follow to stay connected. 💛
Dr. JC ☺️
P.S. Full transparency—I have ALL of these schemas myself. The journey to healing them isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it.
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