Success and failure often seem black and white, don’t they? I’ve felt this way too. But the truth is, reaching our goals involves experimenting and embracing failures as part of the journey.

As a schema therapist and coach, I see this challenge through the lens of schemas and coping styles.

Think of a schema as a lens through which you see the world. These “glasses” are given to us when we are young through parenting practices, adversity, and modelling—we grow up not questioning them. Unfortunately, when our schemas are “triggered,” we experience intense emotions, and we cope in ways that only reinforce them. 

So, if you currently see success in black and white terms then you likely have the following schemas:

1. Defectiveness/shame: A deep-seated belief that you are fundamentally flawed, inadequate, or unlovable.
2. Unrelenting standards: The relentless pursuit of high achievement and perfection to avoid feelings of failure or inadequacy.
3. Self-punitiveness: The tendency to harshly criticize and punish oneself for perceived mistakes or shortcomings.

When these schemas are triggered, you may engage in the following coping styles:

1. You may avoid taking risks and taking on challenges so you don’t have to face the risk of failure.
2. You may be extremely critical of yourself and compare yourself negatively to others. Unfortunately, this snuffs out a willingness to experiment and get things done (this underpins Imposter Syndrome).
3. Over-compensate with toxic perfectionism: you may have very high standards that mean you can avoid the experience of failure and shame, but ultimately you end up stressed, anxious and irritable (which creates more triggers you have to deal with). 

What are the key steps to overcoming these schemas and learning to be more tolerant of failure and give yourself the “gift” of being able to fail?

1. Addressing your inner critic – learning to distance yourself from the bully/critic/“meanie” inside your own head is essential to being more tolerant of experimenting and less “allergic” to failure. The thing to remember is that you were not BORN with this voice – you have learned it from somewhere. Either through direct messages of criticism or, modelling from your parents/caregivers or even more implicit expectations of success and what it looked like for you as well or even more traumatic origins such as abuse. Learning your own personal origin of your inner critic is a powerful way to distance yourself from this unhelpful inner voice.

2. Also crucial is learning to handle and transform the emotion of shame. Often we get caught up in feelings of toxic shame. Toxic shame can lead to a shame spiral, and you write yourself off as a person – “I’m incompetent”, “I’m a failure”, “I’ll never amount to anything”. Or you may be so good at avoiding this feeling, at the slightest hint of it you flight into self-soothing and avoidance. In reality, shame is really meant to be like a clutch in the brain – it is a normal healthy emotion that helps us reflect on our behaviour and stay connected to people. It is really common for people to not realise they are feeling shame – it gets caught up with other emotions such as anxiety or sadness. Or you might call it embarrassment or rejection. Or you might be really, really good at avoiding it through toxic perfectionism or even blaming others when things go wrong. 

3. Developing self-compassion is your way out of this. I know this term gets thrown around a lot and can even get an eye-roll from some. All self-compassion really all it is is intentionally developing a kind way to talk to yourself – irrespective of your successes or failures. An internal coach, good parent or friend that has your back. Sometimes people worry that letting go of your inner critic or perfectionism will result in giving up on goals. I promise this won’t happen. In fact, the research shows that self-criticism is hugely predictive of a whole range of negative outcomes such as depression, anxiety, stress and burnout and not with feeling calm, competent and resilient. 

One of my favourite parts of my work is working with fear of failure and perfectionism to transform toxic shame into healthy shame. It’s incredible to see the lightness and possibilities that open up when these burdens are lifted.

Ready to take the next step? Let’s embark on this journey together.

Dr. JC ☺️

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